This happened a long time ago, worked out okay thankfully
They were gone 3 days now, a full 72 hours. It has felt like a lifetime.
I am missing them so much. My little men; my flesh, my blood, my life.
This time, when they come home I am never letting them go again, ever, anywhere without me by their sides.
My heart is pounding in my chest. I know they are due any minute now, he text to say they would be back around 3 pm . It’s 2.45 pm now.
I am sitting in what used to be his chair, his favourite chair, his chair for watching the footie, his chair for having his few drinks, not his chair anymore.
It is facing out the window. I will see his car pull up soon, I hope.
Last night was the worst night of my life. I haven’t slept all night with worry either, feck him.
I didn’t think I had anything to worry about. His 12 yr old sister was going to be with them. He wouldn’t do anything to her, he would never hurt her.
I didn’t have any notice, he has been in great form the last couple of weeks. Chatting away nicely for the few minutes I would meet him before and after work when we would do the ‘hand-over’ with the kids.
There’s been little or no chat about ‘getting back together’, no threats, nothing bad.
But then he had been planning this trip down to his families holiday home for the long weekend for a while.
His ‘bonding time’ with his sister and boys.
The first two days had been great; the boys were all chat about their journey down, then their outing to the swimming pool and lunch and games.
Yesterday he brought them for dinner to their country relatives. Another enjoyable day, according to my wee men.
But then yesterday evening the texts started coming in, after I had gotten off the phone from the boys. One after another, just like before.
‘I’m so sorry for all I have done’, ‘If I could turn back time’, ‘I love you so much, I would never hurt you ever again’, ‘you know I would never hurt you again’.
I replied ‘we’ll talk about it when you get home, don’t be worrying about all that while you’re on your holiday’.
But no, he wanted to ‘talk’ about it then, when he wanted to.
It was constant communication, when he should have been enjoying the last evening with his sons.
The texts started getting more emotional; ‘You know I cannot live without you in my life’, ‘It kills me to know how much I have hurt you’, ‘If you let me back into your life you will see I am a changed man’, ‘I will go for that therapy when we get back together’ and on and on.
I did what I always did, I placated him. I tried not to give him false hope and he knew that. He didn’t like that, he didn’t like that I wasn’t replying to all his texts.
Then the texts started getting sinister; ‘I don’t want to live without you’, ‘I could end it all now’, ‘I want to just drive and drive until I can end it all’, ‘I could just drive off the nearest cliff, would you miss me?’, ‘It would be so easy to end it right now’.
And then the one that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end ‘You will never see us again, goodbye, I love you’ and silence.
I tried phoning him, but no answer. I text him a few times about what time was he coming home at, and had he anything planned for today. I pretended that I hadn’t gotten that last message.
But nothing; I paced the floor, what was I going to do, what was he going to do, what was he actually doing right now. Was he messing? I knew he was capable of following through threats of self-harm, but hurt the boys? or his sister? was he capable of doing them harm? I didn’t know, I didn’t trust him not to hurt them.
An hour later, just as I was deciding to contact his own Dad I get a text message from him ‘Battery died, have it charged now, we’ll be home around 3 pm tomorrow, see you then xx’.
I am sitting waiting on my boys, my babies to come home.
I can see the car pull up, I see my precious sons laughing in the back of the car with their young auntie.
They are still alive, they are safe, they are at home.