To do or not to do?

It was going to happen, and soon.

For years I have wondered what it would be like, to be with someone I loved and felt comfortable enough with to do it.

None of my other boyfriends (all two of ’em) even came close to this guy.

This guy was different.

He was kind and loving; a gentleman.

I cannot believe I feel like this so quickly into our relationship; we’re three months going out together now and it’s been the topic of conversation every time we’ve met the last week or so.

But here I am down at the beach, wandering around like a lost soul. I am in a little inlet, just a small stretch of sand sandwiched between two sides of rock. The waves crashing onto the rocks are drowning out any noises of cars from the nearby village. And to get down here I had to walk down the twenty concrete steps, down a sandy bank, so I feel enclosed by nature on all sides, I feel cocooned.

This place helps me feel closer to God. And its God who I’ve come to talk to today.

I have a problem; I am 23, Catholic and am not allowed to lose my virginity before marriage, or at least that’s what I have been brought up to believe. My mother has preached about it often enough since I hit puberty.

But she never told me what I should do when tempted though.

If I lose my virginity now, to this guy, whom I love and whom I will probably spend the rest of my life with does that mean I am married in the eyes of God?? Maybe connecting in this way is really about making a commitment to spend the rest of my life with him?

Am I doing the right thing? Is he ‘thee one’? The one whom I’ve been waiting on all these years? Will I rot in hell if he’s not?

Oh God help me do the right thing.

He’s a virgin too, that has to mean something. I will be safe and I know he will be gentle.

He’s such a nice guy; brings me flowers for no reason, if it’s not flowers it has been chocolates. His friends are starting to slag him that he’ll ‘scare me off’ by being so attentive so soon. But I am liking all the attention, my last boyfriend just wanted sex, and when he didn’t get what he wanted he dumped me. This guy is different, he is in the same boat as me, waiting on the right person.

I am so confused, should I or shouldn’t I? Oh why is it so hard to decide if it is right or not? why couldn’t it be easier?

I pace up and down the length of the beach, every now and again checking to make sure I am still on my own.

I wish I knew what to do. This is a huge decision, and I need all the help I can get God.

I wish I didn’t have this niggling doubt though. But a doubt about what? I put it down to the fear of getting pregnant outside marriage. My mother would never speak to me again if that happened. But that’s not going to happen, he has the condoms bought already, just in case. And I will go to the doctors next week to get a prescription for  the Pill.

I exhale, maybe this is the right thing to do then.

And so it began.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to To do or not to do?

  1. mugofdecaf says:

    I want to jump up and down and shout ‘do it!’, but I also don’t want to offend your beliefs; they are strong and important to you.
    I lost my virginity at 18. It was a positive experience (so many aren’t), but the guy wasn’t the best character and I had a lot more feelings for him than he did for me. I’m glad I was older than my friends as I had more maturity, but I’m also glad I wasn’t too much older as I might have got a set idea of what it would be like in my head and then been disappointed if that didn’t happen.
    What are your feelings about sex? For me, it is part of my marriage, it can be fun and exciting, it can be emotional. It’s like an adult game, a way of spending time together in our own world, just us.
    The best sex we’ve ever had was a few years ago when his brother was hospitalised after an awful car accident. We were both so emotional, we were completely caught up in it.
    I think what I’m trying to say is, don’t wait so long that sex disappoints you, sex is for an adult relationship and not just a marriage (can you imagine the pressure on your wedding night? I was too tired for it personally!).
    I may not be overly religious, there are things I believe and things I don’t, but I do feel that people have to move with the times. It is now perfectly acceptable to live with your partner before marrying them, why not have sex too? You aren’t putting it about with just anyone, you’re in a loving and trusting relationship. Nothing wrong with that!
    Along the advice lines…don’t feel pressured to make a time and a place for it to happen. Maybe agree that it will and let it develop into it one day. Forced romance sometimes doesn’t work…hubby just laughed at my rise petals, candles and music one valentine’s day years ago!
    All the best! Very glad I came across your blog. Hope I haven’t upset you with any of my comments.

    • mkconlon says:

      Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my blog post!
      And I really hope if anyone reads my post with similar worries that your reply will help them.
      I would have loved to have had the courage to share my worries at the time I had them and for someone like yourself to have answered those worries!
      I hope you are not too disappointed to learn that I am now 40, and in a totally different place than where I was on this particular day in my life. Please feel free to read my background info & maybe follow me on twitter to learn more….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s