It was going to happen, and soon.
For years I have wondered what it would be like, to be with someone I loved and felt comfortable enough with to do it.
None of my other boyfriends (all two of ’em) even came close to this guy.
This guy was different.
He was kind and loving; a gentleman.
I cannot believe I feel like this so quickly into our relationship; we’re three months going out together now and it’s been the topic of conversation every time we’ve met the last week or so.
But here I am down at the beach, wandering around like a lost soul. I am in a little inlet, just a small stretch of sand sandwiched between two sides of rock. The waves crashing onto the rocks are drowning out any noises of cars from the nearby village. And to get down here I had to walk down the twenty concrete steps, down a sandy bank, so I feel enclosed by nature on all sides, I feel cocooned.
This place helps me feel closer to God. And its God who I’ve come to talk to today.
I have a problem; I am 23, Catholic and am not allowed to lose my virginity before marriage, or at least that’s what I have been brought up to believe. My mother has preached about it often enough since I hit puberty.
But she never told me what I should do when tempted though.
If I lose my virginity now, to this guy, whom I love and whom I will probably spend the rest of my life with does that mean I am married in the eyes of God?? Maybe connecting in this way is really about making a commitment to spend the rest of my life with him?
Am I doing the right thing? Is he ‘thee one’? The one whom I’ve been waiting on all these years? Will I rot in hell if he’s not?
Oh God help me do the right thing.
He’s a virgin too, that has to mean something. I will be safe and I know he will be gentle.
He’s such a nice guy; brings me flowers for no reason, if it’s not flowers it has been chocolates. His friends are starting to slag him that he’ll ‘scare me off’ by being so attentive so soon. But I am liking all the attention, my last boyfriend just wanted sex, and when he didn’t get what he wanted he dumped me. This guy is different, he is in the same boat as me, waiting on the right person.
I am so confused, should I or shouldn’t I? Oh why is it so hard to decide if it is right or not? why couldn’t it be easier?
I pace up and down the length of the beach, every now and again checking to make sure I am still on my own.
I wish I knew what to do. This is a huge decision, and I need all the help I can get God.
I wish I didn’t have this niggling doubt though. But a doubt about what? I put it down to the fear of getting pregnant outside marriage. My mother would never speak to me again if that happened. But that’s not going to happen, he has the condoms bought already, just in case. And I will go to the doctors next week to get a prescription for the Pill.
I exhale, maybe this is the right thing to do then.
And so it began.