When should I have started telling someone that He was abusing me?
The very first night he flew into a rage? We were only going out with each other about 4 months.
He hadn’t hit me, so what was I supposed to tell my friends? the ones I shared a rented house with. I imagine the scene:
“You know after we left the pub last night?” I would’ve said.
“Yes, we remember, your fella was a bit tipsy last night and very funny haha, twas a great night” they would answer.
“Yes he was, but i mean after we left ye, after we walked the 2 miles home to the house he is renting with his mates” me.
“Oh right we get ya” them.
“He started arguing with me, something about me having my eye on that guy we met tonight, the guy that was trying to chat ye up and He started calling me names, like f*ckin c*nt and f*ckin bitch” me.
“Oh no, that’s terrible, we hope you told him to fuck off” them.
“Well no, I have never told anyone to fuck off and don’t intend to start with a person who is very drunk and very angry with me for something or other, but I did break it off with him” me.
“So what did he say?” them.
“He didn’t really say anything, just stormed off upstairs telling me to go f*ck off, so I came back here” me.
“Good on ya” them, and hugs all round to make things better for me.
But that wasn’t what happened. Before I got a chance to tell my friends/housemates anything He had called to the house the next morning with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates. He even had a card written in case I didn’t let him in.
I let him in, and He apologised for the night before saying He knew something had happened but couldn’t remember exactly.
I told him how the fight had started and how He had started getting angry every time I defended myself. How He had said things that really hurt me and calling me names; stuff no one had ever said to me before in my 23 yrs of life. I told him how shocked I was especially after all He had told me about his Dad and how He didn’t want to turn out like him.
He broke down and cried, saying I was the best thing that ever happened to him in his miserable life (and it was miserable, he had told me some of the horrific stories), and my heart went out to him. His life had changed so much since I came into it, and I made him so happy. How He had started to get stronger emotionally, and how much He loved me; if I were to go now what would He do, He would be heartbroken.
Did we get back together? yes, how could I not get back with him? He apologised, He would never say those things again and I believed him. Why shouldn’t I?
Did I tell me friends? no, we had gotten back together, it was sorted. But I should have told them.
Thing is though, I didn’t believe his words the night before yet I fell for them hook, line and sinker the next day. Was it the flowers? nah. Was it the chocolates? nah. Was it the heartbreaking stories? they helped. Was it the tears? they helped a lot.
So what was it? why did I believe him? well He probably believed his words himself making them all the more believable.
But I think the biggest reason I went back with him, even after his rage the previous night, was I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know that a fella can be ‘2in2u’ and that if He could say or do those sort of things one night and tell you he loves you the next night then something is very wrong in the relationship. If He didn’t respect me then He didn’t love me, end of.
Women’s Aid have a great public awareness campaign on at the moment, here is a snippet, check out their website for more information – our kids/teens/young women and men need to be aware of this stuff!!
Does your boyfriend get jealous when you spend time with your friends?
Does he always phone or text when you’re out without him?
Do you avoid disagreeing with him in case he loses his temper?
If you’ve answered yes to any of the above, please think about
taking a Relationship Healthcheck at 2in2u.ie
BECAUSE IF SOMETHING FEELS WRONG, IT PROBABLY IS.
And remember, if anything about your relationship
ever makes you feel anxious or worried, please call the
Women’s Aid National Freephone Helpline on 1800 341 900,
10am to 10pm, 7 days a week.