The Night My Hope was Shattered

This post is about Domestic Abuse, if you want any help please click on one of the links above

I am so unhappy right now that it feels like my heart is going to explode out of my chest. I wish I could just curl up in a corner and sob the pain away but I know I cannot hide and I will not be able to face anyone with big red puffy eyes. Not today.

I have splashed water on my face more times this morning than I can count. I look into the mirror and see that my eyes are puffy enough from all the crying I did last night. Thank God I have a bit of make-up with me. I should be able to disguise them when I head downstairs later. I can always say I have a hangover.

My back is sore, I have tried to stretch out that achiness you get from sleeping in an uncomfortable position but my so-called bed wasn’t very comfy either last night so the stretching hasn’t eased my pain.

He is still snoring his brains out in the bedroom, totally oblivious to what happened last night.

Last night; he said I should have waited on him, that I shouldn’t have gotten into the lift to go upstairs without him.
He said I should have waited on him while he went to the toilet, he was only going to be gone for a few minutes.
He said I should not have gotten into the lift with our friends who were with us.
He said I should not have gone upstairs to our hotel room without him.

Maybe he was right, maybe I should have waited outside the lift for him while the rest went upstairs.
Why didn’t I wait? was it because I didn’t want to wait there on my own? or that I was having too much of a laugh with our friends to end what had been an enjoyable evening in the Residents Bar there outside the lift. Or did I just want to go straight up to our room to get those blasted hair pins that had been holding my ‘hair do’ together the last two days out?

He was more than a few minutes because by the time he did knock on our bedroom door I was nearly finished de-constructing my ‘hair-do’.

‘Why the fuck didn’t you wait on me?’ was the first thing out of his mouth, ‘I told you to wait’.
‘I didn’t hear you say that, sorry’ I replied.
‘Well why didn’t you wait anyway?’ he asked.
I stuttered out my excuses and stumbled across words to try to explain something that hadn’t even occurred to me until now. Why hadn’t I waited I asked myself.
I had no idea. But he had.
‘If you loved me you would have waited regardless of who was getting into the lift’
‘If you weren’t so selfish you would have waited on me’.

I have gone over our ‘conversation’ a hundred times this morning trying to make sence of it.
He was drunk and he was annoyed and hurt I hadn’t waited on him outside the lift.
I hurt him by not waiting on him.
But boy did he get me back.
He said I was a selfish cunt, always thinking of myself. That I was an ignorant bitch, always thinking of myself. Don’t love anyone but myself, always thinking of myself. Always thinking of myself.

I got it, I’m always thinking of myself. And last night all I could think about after he got into bed and started snoring was of myself.

I cried and cried. I was so hurt because somewhere in my brain I thought things would be different after we got married. That all his promises would matter after we were wed. That he would keep his promises about not saying hurtful things like that ever again once we were married.

I took my pillows and the extra blankets and went into the en suite where I slept or tried to sleep for the night. I just could not be in the same room as him never mind the same bed.

This morning I wash and dry my face, again, and sit back down on the toilet seat holding my head in my hands. What am I supposed to do now? He has broken my heart, and my dreams that things would change. Realising he will never change makes me want to sob all over again but no I cannot cry this morning. I have people to face downstairs at some stage; family and friends that stayed the extra night after the wedding.

I stand back up, brush my hair and go back into the bedroom. Room service are on their way with our breakfast and I have to open the curtains and wake my husband up and start a new day like the night before never happened. That’s what he will do.

The day before yesterday we got married and already my world has been shattered…