Pretending to be happy is a struggle.

A glance back in time

My struggle is real today.

Getting out of bed and getting dressed was the easy part, it always is.

Getting the kids out of bed was easy too.

Making breakfast every morning is nothing but routine.

I do it automatically, the same thing every morning, I could do it with my eyes closed.

Every morning the same thing, day in day out.

Smiling, laughing, getting giggles from my boys is never a struggle. They are my life.

Looking across the breakfast at my husband as he helps the toddler eat his cereal and smile when he glances in my direction, that is my struggle.

Smiling like I mean it is my struggle today and every day the last few days, weeks, months, maybe even years.

Pretending to be happy with him is my struggle.

Putting on a brave face to my unhappiness is a struggle.

Going over what I want to say in my head before I say it is a struggle.

I clear the breakfast dishes away while he plays with our children. More giggles of delight at their funny Daddy. He is in great form this morning. It is nice to see him so happy with the boys. It reminds me for a second why I fell in love with him first. He could always make his younger siblings laugh.

The ache I feel inside right now is getting bigger. The memory vanishes as quickly as it appeared.

Falling in love with the wrong person is an awful thing to inflict on oneself. It’s like getting on a roller-coaster and even though you eventually realise you’re on the wrong one you cannot get off. Especially if you are a practising Catholic like me.

I’m finding that a struggle too. Not my faith but my Church. We’ve just been to ACCORD marriage counselling, and although it was great to finally get why I am so unhappy with him and our marriage off my chest it hasn’t helped.

I am trying my best to become a better housewife, on my days off from work. I actually vacuumed the house the other day, which according to him, in that counselling session, is his one pet peeve against me. I put the boys in front of the TV and made time to do a good Spring clean of the house. I was very proud of myself too when I had it finished.

But he went out Saturday night and drank the same as usual and came home in the same drunken state he always does. He suffered the same grumpy hangover the next day and when I said something he didn’t like he told me to fuck off as he usually does. It seemed like nothing I said to him in counselling sunk in at all.

So I struggle on, and keep pretending that everything is alright, just to keep my husband happy.

Hopefully today will be a good day.

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