I See You

I see you; I see through the false smile and the pressured laughter.

I feel what you are feeling; I feel the dread and the nervousness of stepping out of line.

Of saying the wrong thing, giving the wrong answer, saying what doesn’t want to be heard.

I see your sadness; this was supposed to be a new life, a life together joined by love, marriage.

I feel the loneliness; your family and friends pushed away, closed off from you. Your life lines cut.

I know the dread of the public rebuke, the embarrassment of the public argument. The shame of being in this situation, and probably not for the first time.

I know the dread of the private arguments; the name calling, the raised voices, the trying, always trying, to make sense of what is being said to you. The heartbreak knowing its happening, even though they promised, really promised, they would never hurt you again.

I feel your fear when the shouts become threats, threats of violence towards you. Threats to hurt you, threats to kill you. Threats to ‘end this’ their way.

I feel the shock when they push you violently or slap you.

I know the panic you feel when you see them reaching for a weapon, anything to hurt you with. The horror that this time it is a knife not a cup or a plate or anything else lying around.

The spinning thoughts going through your head, you know they are capable of hurting you but this time they won’t really go through with their threats will they? surely they’ll drop it. What do you do? defend yourself? how? you’re pushed into a corner, no escape, screaming into your face. You don’t know what they are saying any more.

You go limp in a state of panic. Your brain is shutting down in fear, it’s flying away without your body. You are above looking down on what is happening to you. You see your hands automatically go to protect your face, always protecting the face. Always hiding their angry outbursts, their abuse, their violence, their secret.

You don’t have to hide it for them anymore, their secret is out, the silence is finally broken.

Not by you, but by the sounds of sirens, the Guards first followed by the ambulance, for you. But it’s too late, too late to save you.

• Domestic Abuse thrives on silence. Help break the Silence – start conversations about it, with your family, friends, work colleagues. Talk about the abuser, not the victim. Blame the abuser, not the person who is being abused. Be a good neighbour Ring 112/999 if you think someone is in danger, and if you yourself feel you are a victim of Domestic Abuse check out http://www.womensaid.ie or http://www.mensaid.ie